Coming Out
by Nittles
Summary: Beca finally finds the strength to tell Chloe her greatest secret of all... But will it go the way that Beca had it planned in her head?
1. One

**A/N: This is a short segment of a letter that I have written to my family. I have yet to send it, and in an attempt to try and understand the implications of my coming out, I have altered it in favour of a character perspective to try and gauge the many possible reactions that sending this could provoke. I am sure that many people are aware of how difficult something like this is, and I want to use this platform as a way of finding courage within myself to be open with my family, as well as to provide support for others who find themselves in a similar situation. This may turn into a multi-fic, and reviews at this time are very much appreciated. Peace.**

I have some things that I want to tell you. I cherish you as a person; you have shown me nothing but love and support throughout my time here at Barden. I feel that now is the right time to express some things to you. For a long time, I've wanted to tell you something about myself, and I hope that I continue to have your love and support.

There is no easy way to say this, so I will just come out with it and tell you that I am gay. I have known for most of my life and keeping this secret from you has been very difficult for me. It has become an increasing burden over the years. It has also placed an invisible wall between us, because I have been unable to share things about me or what has been going on in my life.

I know that learning of my sexuality may come as a shock to you, or make you feel confused, angry or sad. All of these reactions are natural, and common, and I will always love you regardless of your reaction. Over time, I've been able to accept myself, I'm happy with who and what I am, and I'm hopeful you can be happy for me, too.

Please do not think that this is just a phase. Most gay and bisexual people are around the same age that I was when I found out. This cannot be cured, since it is not wrong anyway, so please try your best to accept me.

I know that you have always loved me. You do not realise the time that I have spent debating on whether or not to tell you, and writing this letter and sending it to you has been one of the most difficult things that I have ever done. I have been bound by the fear that I could lose the love that you have given me. Although you may not understand about my being gay, I hope your love for me has not changed. I am still the same person that I was before; the only thing that has changed is your knowledge of who I really am.

No doubt, you need time to think about what you have read. When you are ready, please call me so we can talk about it.

Love, Beca.


	2. Two

**A/N: So I've decided that this is going to be a multi-fic. Realistically, I think it's only fair that all aspects of such a scenario should be experienced so there will be an eventual scene with relatives and other family members. As I have only had very brief encounters with family relating to such an issue it will be hard for me to write from my personal experience, but I will try to keep some character traits seen in my family when writing for Beca's. I know this is a little short, but I've never viewed this as a "phone worthy" situation, and the next chapter shall be a lot longer. ****Peace!**

It took four days for Chloe to find the letter. Four days of me staring at my reflection, staring at the ceiling, packing my belongings, listening to the most depressing soundtrack on my iPod.

I watched my phone buzz across my desk, her name and face flashing on the screen as my eyes go wide and I'm thrown into a state of panic. Do I answer it? Do I leave it and hope that she leaves me a voice mail, or decides to text me instead?

I picked the phone up slowly with shaking hands, careful not to accidentally press the answer button. To my relief, the flashing stopped and calm settled once more. It was short lived. Before I'd even had a chance to breathe it was off again, and I knew I couldn't avoid her forever.

"Hello?" I answered gingerly.

"Beca, hey." Chloe's voice was gentle. My hands were still shaking, but I could feel my heart starting to calm a little at the soothing sound.

"Oh, hey. How are you?" I feigned surprise, but we both knew that I had Chloe's number saved.

"I'm doing great," Chloe chirped down the phone.

"That's… Um, yeah that's good." I mumbled, not sure how to initiate the inevitable direction of conversation.

I heard the rush of breath in the receiver that told me I didn't need to.

"So," Chloe's voice was gentle and reassuring. "I found your letter."

I stayed silent, willing Chloe to continue without waiting for a response. She complied.

"I thought I would call you first, I don't want to scare you away," Chloe began slowly. "I'm really glad you found the courage to leave that for me Beca, it means more to me than you will ever know."

She paused, and I let out a shaky breath I didn't realise that I'd been holding in.

"I am so proud of you," Chloe whispered. I heard her voice start to quiver. "You're stronger than I've ever given you credit for. I want to come and give you a giant hug!"

I laughed as Chloe's voice started to perk up again.

"You know where to find me," I mumble, my voice sounding much more confident than I was actually feeling.

"I'll be over in an hour," Chloe squealed excitedly. "I'll bring food, and then you can tell me about all the things you've been hiding from me all your life!"

I smiled at my phone as Chloe disconnected the call and let me head roll back and I wiped the beads of sweat off of my forehead.

Chloe wasn't repulsed. Chloe didn't run away. Chloe was coming over with dinner. Chloe wanted all of the juicy goss… Wait, what?!

I groaned as I pulled myself up off of my chair. It was going to be a long night.


	3. Three

**A/N: Sorry it's taken so long to update (and the other fic hasn't been forgotten about either!) I've had a pretty rough week so I'm just finding my feet again. Anyway, please leave reviews. I feel like this is my personal baby, a lot of this is based on my own experience with friends (some positive, and some negative) and I guess I am using this as a way to get the thoughts and feelings I've been having in regards to such experiences out in the open. I don't really like opening up, so to use fictional characters (although my name is actually Chloe) to shelter myself seems a very viable alternative. Anyway, thank you to everybody who has reviewed/favourited or followed… I really appreciate it, and hope that you are able to continue to follow me on this journey of self-rediscovery and understanding.**

Chloe wasn't lying when she said she'd be over in an hour. Almost sixty minutes to the dot I heard the recognisable sound of Chloe's 'special knock.' It wasn't special in the slightest, but Chloe was the only person I knew who couldn't resist tapping a tune when revealing her presence.

I opened the door hastily before Chloe barged it all the way open and stumbled into my room.

"Ouch, this food is hot!" Chloe winced as she dropped the take out on my desk before sticking her fingers desperately in her mouth.

I smirked and slumped back down in my desk chair. I waited until Chloe had sufficiently eased the pain in her hand before grabbing the take out bag and eyeing the chosen menu.

"Er, sorry about that," Chloe smiled bashfully. "I got Indian," she added, grabbing the food out of my grasp and placing it carefully on my bed. She must have noticed the confusion spread across my face because she laughed and held out her hand. "The last time I checked, you only had one desk chair." She scooted over. "Look, there's more than enough space for both of us here."

I rolled my eyes and plonked myself on the bed beside Chloe, refusing to acknowledge the slight pang of disappointment on her features that I didn't take her hand.

"Soooo," I sighed nervously, opening the container nearest to me. Yeah, starting awkward conversation isn't exactly my strong point.

"Stop being such a misery guts and eat your dinner," Chloe laughed and slapped me playfully in the arm. "I told you I am cool with it, and to celebrate, we're going to snuggle and I am going to ask you lots of questions."

I groaned, and Chloe grabbed my hand.

"Hey, I mean it. I'm your best friend, and I love you. I just want you to be happy." I raised my eyebrows, but smiled nonetheless.

"And…"

"And I want to know all of the juicy gossip you've been hiding from me!" Chloe grinned. "I want to know about all of the things that make you who you are."

"You've made your point. I'll eat, but I'm not snuggling!"

Now it was Chloe's turn to roll her eyes.

"We'll see about that, Mitchell."

-x-

Sometime later, once the food had been demolished and our hunger somewhat satisfied, we found ourselves lying next to each other on the bed, both staring absentmindedly at the ceiling.

I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. I wanted to believe Chloe, I really did. I mean, she never even questioned it, never asked me if I was really sure, if I was just doing it for attention. She believed what I was saying without an ounce of doubt, and that scared me. What if she hadn't really processed it? What if she changed her mind, decided she couldn't be friends with somebody like me? I'd be left with nothing, with nobody, and there was that aching in my gut that I couldn't shake off, no matter how much I tried to convince myself that Chloe's words were genuine. She wanted me to be happy, and that just didn't seem right at all.

I risked a glance at the red head lying next to me and find that she's already staring right at me, a small smirk etched on her features.

"What," I mumbled defensively, crossing my arms and deflecting my gaze back to the cracked paint on the ceiling.

"What are you thinking about?"

My head snapped back to the figure on my right.

"How do you know I thinking about anything?"

"I know that look," Chloe pointed out. "You were concentrating on something."

"Ugh, it's nothing." I sighed. I was suddenly feeling very vulnerable.

She grabbed my hand for the second time and started playing with my fingers.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?"

I shook my head numbly, my eyes transfixed on our entwined hands.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked gently. "I mean, we don't have to. I don't want to rush you, and it's great that we can just lay here and hang out, but I'm really looking forward to getting to know you all over again, and I can tell that something is seriously bothering you and I hate to see my best friend so troubled."

I choked back a sob and pulled my hand away, making sure to turn my body so Chloe couldn't see what was happening. I felt her body pull up close behind mine and an arm snake out over my waist.

"Cry as much as you need," I heard her whisper into my shoulder. "I promise I'll stay right here."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" I grumbled bitterly. I couldn't tell you what sparked this reaction, but I suddenly had this overwhelming urge to push her as far away from me as I possibly could.

I heard her gasp and lift her body up so her head was hovering over my body.

"What would I like, Beca?"

I shrugged her arm off of me once again and forced myself to sit up and shuffle to the other side of the bed.

"To do me a favour, make me think that I owe you something." I spat, anger starting to boil up to the surface. "You're all the same!" I started to yell, before standing up and stalking over to the window. "You make me think I'm in debt to you and then you throw it in my face. You act like you care and then the fingernails are out! The rumours start, the heads start turning and suddenly I'm all by myself again!"

I glanced at Chloe's face and willed myself to calm down. I could see the tears forming in her eyes and she visibly cowered as I took a daring step toward her.

We stayed rooted to our respective spots for at least twenty minutes before Chloe finally mustered up the courage to speak.

"Are you okay?" Chloe's voice quivered as she observed my face (and chest) for signs that I had sufficiently calmed.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, hastily shuffling my feet until I'm standing right by the bed again. "I know that this isn't what you had planned when you said that you wanted to come over."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Chloe smiled hesitantly. "Come and sit back down."

I complied and leant my head on Chloe's shoulder.

"I know I should believe you," I started slowly. "It's just, the last time I did this it almost _killed_ me."

"I promise that I will never lie to you," Chloe ran her fingers through my hair. "When you say it almost killed you, do you mean literally or metaphorically?"

"Both." I didn't even attempt to hide the bitterness in my voice.

Her gasp sent a shudder down my spine.

"Beca." Chloe sat up a little straighter and pulled me in closer to her side. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I nodded slowly and shuffled to make myself comfortable on the bed.

"Are you ready for an angst fest?"

**The next chapter is pretty angst, and 100% true so it might take a little time to write!**


	4. Four

**A/N: Somebody raised a good point about preferring it in third person because they're currently finding it hard to read as Beca when it's in first person. This chapter is in first person but if anybody has any additional feedback then I may change it so it is a little easier to read. Anyway, new chapter. Sorry it's taken so long!**

"Go to my drawer."

Chloe burrowed her eyebrows in confusion and hastily approached the furniture.

"Second drawer down, underneath my Rolling Stones T-shirt."

Chloe did as she was instructed and slowly pulled a red notebook out from under the offending item of clothing. I watched as she re-joined me on the bed, her eyes never leaving mine, even as she struggled to make herself comfortable. I took a deep breath and watched her toy with the book nervously.

"Open it," I coaxed. "I'll explain as you go."

She grabbed one of my hands with her own and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Only if you're sure."

I nodded hesitantly and watched her flip over to the first page, her eyes glazing over the first paragraph.

_**Do you know what it feels like? To lie to yourself every day. To make it such a permanent part of your life because you need to convince everybody else that you are who you say you are. To have to push people away because it's easier to be unhappy than exposed. You can't drag people into the mess that is your life. It's better to suffer in silence.**_

I watched as Chloe took a deep breath, her thumb tracing patterns across the hand that she still held tightly clamped in hers.

"How old were you when you-"

"13." I interrupted.

"That means you've been hiding for-"

"Eight years." I interrupted again. "Yeah, I know."

Chloe didn't say anything for a good ten minutes. I guess it was to be expected. She's had a sheltered life, where she could do no wrong; her parents loved her for who she was to them, their daughter. I always envied that perfect family unit, that sense of love and connection that you could see reflected in their eyes and body language. I was an awkward child, who grew up to be an awkward adult. I've tried to open up so many times, and failed at almost every single attempt. This time I was going to try harder. I've found somebody who supports me.

"I always knew they wouldn't be supportive," I started slowly, sure that Chloe's attention was back on my voice before continuing. "I knew people who wanted to be more than friends, but I knew it couldn't remain a secret for very long so I pushed them away. I figured if they left, it'd be okay, I'd still be the child that they wanted, that they expected, and they would know no different."

Chloe nodded in quiet understanding.

"Have you ever thought about telling them?"

I laughed bitterly and loosened my grip on her hand.

"Actually, that's quite ironic. I decided to try and live my life when I was seventeen. I'd started seeing somebody who I'd met through a friend, and for the first couple of weeks it went okay. She wanted to make it Facebook official, but I wasn't keen. I mean, I'm not the most social person at the best of times."

Chloe's giggled filled the room, and I allowed myself to smile at the sudden wave of ease that flowed through my body.

"I compromised, said I'd just click 'in a relationship,' and she seemed satisfied. My mom caught on, and called me out on it one evening. She thought I was dating my best friend, and I knew that she would have to know. The resulting row wasn't pretty, and they refuse to acknowledge it, so I'm back in the closet as it goes."

"Wow, that's rough." Chloe sighed, running her hand through her hair. "What about school, you must have friends who are supportive?"

"Yes and no," I smiled reassuringly. "I have some great friends from school that I'm still in contact with now. They were always cool with it and I had no reason to believe otherwise," I smiled fondly. In the darkness it is sometimes too easy to forget those who help you ease your pain. "A few girls figured it out when I was about fourteen, and from then on until I was about sixteen I had to deal with a lot of shit." I shuddered at the thought. "Teenage girls can be really nasty."

"Tell me about it, I've been one myself!" Chloe chuckled lightly, but her eyes shone in a way I couldn't recognise.

"You're tense," she pointed out, jabbing her finger in my arm as I squirmed nervously under her gaze.

"That's what happens when the cutest girl in school is reading your diary!"

She laughed out loud and pulled me into her side.

"Let's relax for now, you could do with a serious massage."


End file.
